The most horrible morning

I have a story to tell you.

It's not a happy story. In fact, it's rather sad.

It began after a night's sleep that was both good and bad. Good, because I dreamt that I had met the "Woman of My Dreams" (what a coincidence). It was a nice dream because our "relationship" was pervaded with the sense that She Understood Me, and of course there was a steamy sex scene. The night's sleep was also bad, however, because I kept waking up with a rumbling in my tummy and sleepy cramps.

Eventually I got up earlier than I normally would have, due to the sheer discomfort of my sleep. (Of course, by this time, my Woman of My Dreams dream had ended.) I did the usual morning routine: turned on the radio, rubbed my eyes excessively, looked out the window for awhile.

Then I noticed that it was 8:15. If I hurried a little bit, I would be able to make it to breakfast before it ended at 8:30.

When I got up to put on a shirt, however, a felt the need to fart. So I farted. Only when I farted it didn't sound like my farts usually sound. It sounded...juicy. I stood still for a moment processing what had just happened.

Then I realized I had pooped my pants.

You have to understand that this is something that doesn't usually happen to me. I'm usually a very clean person. It's not that I'm scared of dirt or anything; I don't mind dirt at all. But I hate poop. It makes me slightly upset when poop is not where it belongs. In this case, it was on my butt and inside my boxers. And that is not okay at all.

Needless to say, I didn't make it to breakfast on time. In fact, I spent the next half hour cleaning and re-cleaning my ass to make sure I got all the poo off. It wasn't pleasant but eventually, with the aid of a hand-held shower head, I got the job done.

And now I'm sitting here, ass squeaky-clean, recovering from the mental trauma of having pooped my pants as a 21-year-old man. I have a feeling my day is going to be a bit off.

But I think I'll make it, as long as I know I did not soil myself in vain. So all you non-pants-poopers out there who might chance to arrive at my words, know this: if your tummy hurts in the morning, think twice before letting one rip.

Former CALF-er chooses fun over tun (dra)

One of two students from Alaska Pacific University, who spent last fall semester at Green Mountain College through the Eco-League exchange program, has announced that she will return to Green Mountain College as a degree-seeking student this Fall 2005 semester.

Angela Szarenski of Peck, Mich. made the decision upon realizing that she wants to study art and secondary education, two fields of study not offered at APU. "I learned a lot from Dick Weis while I was at Green Mountain," Szarenski said. "Even though he was a bit crazy, he's a really good teacher. And I haven't even taken anything from Richard Weinstein yet."

Szarenski also explained that since living on the Creative Arts Living Floor, none of her other living environments have measured up. This, coupled with the fact that many of her former friends have entered committed relationships since she left for Vermont, leaves Szarenski with only one reasonable option: head back to the CALF.

Following the completion of her sophomore year this May, the budding CALF-er will fly back to Vermont for a brief visit with her newfound community. She will stay until May 6th, when she will be returning to Peck, Mich. with her friend Will Shoemaker, who will be taking up employment at the Midland Daily News for the summer, about two hours away from Peck. "I can't wait to see everyone back on CALF," Szarenski said. "Sometimes I remember how Alex would say 'PIMES PIMES' every time I walked in the room, and I miss that place so much...I am going to watch SO MUCH Family Guy with Margo."

The 20-year-old transfer student also made a stunning revelation about her personal life: after taking an "Intimacy, Relationships, and Sexuality" class this semester at Alaska Pacific University, she now considers anal sex "a possibility--maybe--at some point, if I met the right person"--a major moral development for someone who only months ago cringed at any mention of the word "anal."

Szarenski also announced her intention to meet up with the infamous "Brett," a former APU student who wooed her when she traveled to Vermont last year, and who now resides in his hometown of F-Diddy, Vermont.

The transition from Alaska to Vermont will be an exciting one for Szarenski, who has spent the past months in the throes of a bizarre and disconcerting depression, after apparently having her reality deconstructed last semester by the many officious members of her community. Now, however, she appears to have salvaged an outlook that might serve her well in leaving Alaska: "When I get sad, I just watch Friends," she said, wiping a small stream of drool from her chin and turning back to the television.

As if there was any question

You are Napoleon Dyanamite and a buttload of gangs
are trying to recruit you.


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You know what I'm talking about

Na na na na na
na na na na na
nuh-na nuh-na nuh nuh-na nuh-na na.

Weekend rose: Singing "Ain't No Sunshine" karaoke drunk in front of a pub of locals with Maya, who went to high school with Jeff Mornealt, who I hung out with freshman year at GrmCeh. Connecxi-ohns, eh?

Weekend thorn: Severe indigestion from the Mexican food we ate tonight. And farting.

PS -- Let it be known that Jess co-coordinated a Feminist Fair at APU which was held this weekend, and featured an amazing array of entertainment, including a choir of 15 local women, a team of belly dancers, a singer named Judy Gorman from New York, an Anti-Global Violence Against Women demonstration, a bunch of different local organizations (like planned parenthood and stuff), face painting, palm reading, free shirts...the list goes on, people. The point is she rocks your box. Hard. And, big surprise--she's CALF alum material. True effing story.

Are you kidding me?

Holy Shit!!!!!!!

I just figured out who anne welles is!
Why didn't anyone tell me????

you fuckers and your stupid code names.

The Iditarod

I think I e-mailed the link to all you folks, but if not, check out some photos from the start of the Iditarod.

eddible images, yeah i know.

"why can't you post that shit on the fucking calf blog" jess

here is an incident that both shocked me and also scared me. this one goes out to jess.

On a recent night not too long ago I was sitting in my bed sketching a few things before I went to sleep.
Dawn comes to my door,"Ring, Ring" she comes in
"what are you doing ang?"
"nothing, just sketching"
"sketch me"
"I'd rather not"
then she takes off her shirt and lays on my bed "sketch me"
and everyone knows she wasn't wearing a bra
i look at her like wtf get off of my bed you naked crazy ninja woman
so she does
end of that story

next day
we're sitting at dinner together talking about the previous night's events
laughing because when there's not naked boobs in front of me it's funny
I say "Dawn is going to give me the date rape drug to get me to sketch her"
Dawn says "yeah but you're immune to that shit ang"
moment of laughing then second of silence
I say "Yeah, now i just take it cause it makes them feel better"

true story...call your mom

rose: nickie (an old friend from the first year at apu) called, we talked forever it was sweet. she is magical.
thorn: ian is creepy